How to Be a Domme - 6 Tips Every Beginner Should Know

You don’t have to be in the BDSM scene to enjoy sex with power dynamics. Playing the role of domme, sub, or switch can heighten tension, intimacy, and pleasure, add an extra level to your sex life, and help you discover new sides of yourself.

You don’t have to be a born domme or feel dominant in your daily life to channel domme energy in the bedroom.

If you’re wondering how to be more dominant in bed, there are many ways for you to tap into a confident and powerful mindset, access your inner domme, overcome self consciousness, develop skills that will build your confidence and give your lover a night to remember.

How to be a domme in bed? It doesn’t mean whips and chains. Being the dominant partner means taking charge, and this can take any shape you want, whether it’s giving commands, instructing your lover to lie down while you play with them, or just jumping on top.

Whatever your gender or sexual orientation, it’s normal to feel shy if being domme isn’t an attitude you’re used to. Fortunately, we have 6 tips that will help being more dominant feel natural and sexy.

Dominatrix woman posing in chair at home

How to Be More Dominant in Bed: 6 Tips Porn Won’t Teach You

1. Choose positions that put you in control

Wondering how to be a good dom? You can channel your domme energy surprisingly quickly by placing yourself in a position that puts you in control.

Do you feel sexy and powerful when riding your partner? If yes, this is a good place to start practicing dominance.

Do you want them on all fours while you are behind, teasing them with your hands? Would they love to give you oral sex while you sit on their face (AKA queening)? The important thing is to have fun with it and see what works for you both.

A simple and sensual way to get started is with erotic massage. Have your partner undress and lie down while you kneel or stand above them and caress their body all over, only getting to their pleasure spots when they’ve behaved themselves…

2. Wear something that makes you feel powerful

Dressing the part is an easy way to get in character and feel confident when channeling a new side of yourself.

What clothes, costumes, or accessories make you feel sexy and powerful? What will turn your partner on and make them want to submit?

If you’re both turned on by role play, this could be a full on costume of, say, a police officer, teacher, doctor, or a classic dominatrix ensemble of big heels and latex.

Close up chest of woman in latex corset

If your lover feels more submissive in a choker, they can throw something like that on, too.

How to be a good dom? Make it super simple by asking your lover to strip naked while you remain clothed. This quickly creates a hot power dynamic in which they are vulnerable, and you’re in control.

It doesn’t matter what either of you wear, as long as it makes you feel powerful and confident. If you have a lingerie set that makes you feel amazing, start there.

3. Talk dirty

Words are powerful. You can effectively put your lover under your spell with commands or instructions, positive reinforcement, questions, or submissive name-calling.

Whether it’s Bend over, Good boy, Lie down and let me play with you, or I want to be worshipped all over, saying something with authority can instantly create a psychological power dynamic full of sexual tension.

Dirty talk can happen throughout foreplay or intercourse but can also begin earlier in the day with a hot sext, like I’m on my way home and want you waiting naked when I arrive.

4. Play with toys

Whether it’s blindfolds, gags, vibrators, hoods, collars, candles, or a DIY flogger, sex toys are an amazing addition to any kind of sex, but especially to BDSM.

Close up woman with hands tied behind her back

Do they like the idea of being restrained? Have warm candle wax (safely) dripped on them? Or have you touch their body all over with a vibrator until they’re begging you for more?

How to be more dominant in bed? Talk with your partner about what they want to experience and be creative.

You can start by taking soft actions, such as blindfolding them with an eye mask or scarf or holding their hands above their heads while you ride them.

5. Focus on teasing and tension

How to be a good domme? Learn how to build irresistible tension.

Making your partner wait immediately puts you in charge of the action and them in the position of eagerly awaiting your instruction in a way that may come more naturally to you than, say, giving a spanking.

Touch them all over, but make them wait for your permission to touch you back. Tell them what you’re going to do to them, but make them wait or follow instructions in order to get their hot reward. They’ll be so turned on they’ll do anything you say.

Two super hot ways to tease and give your lover an intense sexual experience are edging and climax control.

While in an active sex position, edge your partner by repeatedly taking them to the edge of climax and abruptly stopping. When are they allowed to orgasm, and how? Do they have to ask your permission or await your command?

Couple sharing tender moments in bed at home

This kind of teasing not only puts you in charge but will also give your partner long and intense orgasms after a thrilling psychological build-up.

6. Confidence and communication

No one can be a domme in bed without confidence and communication.

Before grabbing the handcuffs, it’s crucial to talk with your lover beforehand about what you both want. Knowing how they want to feel will help you relax into the domme role and know which boundaries not to cross.

Being sexually dominant in bed isn’t about being demeaning, violent, or unkind. It’s about knowing what you want, being decisive, taking action, and feeling the energy inside and out.

How to be a domme in the best way possible? Exude confidence.

When you’re confident and comfortable, you’ll be better at giving instructions, maintaining eye contact, making decisions, and exploring toys, positions, and outfits that are new to you.

Remember this is a process, so don’t rush yourself.

Women embracing each other topless showing middle finger

When trying anything new in bed, but especially something that carries physical or psychological risk, like BDSM, it’s essential to get complete consent and discuss desires, limits, and safe words beforehand, to check in during sex or play, and have a debrief afterward.

How to be a dom in bed? Take your domme journey one step at a time. Find the method that makes you feel sexy and powerful in an authentic way, and see it as a sexy journey to take with your lover.

How to be more dominant in sex and life? Love yourself and let that confident energy fill you.