8 Surprising Ways to Build Sexual Confidence
Not secure in your sex life? We’ve been sold a lie that great sex is all about perfect bodies and killer technique, so if your prowess is falling short of what you see on screen, you’re not alone.
What is great sex actually about? Feeling relaxed, authentic, and present. But sex makes us all vulnerable, so having the sexual confidence to truly relax into sex with another person isn’t as easy as it seems.
There’s no overnight way to build confidence in the bedroom as a man, woman, or person of any gender. But these 8 tips will help you build true sexual confidence in a long and lasting way, one day at a time.
How to be more sexually confident (and why you want to)
‘Fake it till you make it’ won’t work in the bedroom when we’re all (quite literally) naked and vulnerable. Sexual confidence is about going on a meaningful journey with your mind and body.
Most people have to work to cultivate sexual confidence.
Feeling not secure in your sex life can happen for many reasons, like past experiences, not feeling attractive enough for your partner, a bad break up, struggles with sober sex after addiction, orgasm anxiety, premature ejaculation, unrealistic expectations from porn and sexual shame.
Once you start to face these challenges and slowly build sexual confidence, you and your lovers and partners can experience the freedom, pleasure, and connection that comes with it.
Sexual confidence not only leads to better sex, it also helps you develop the courage to have conversations that feel scary in all aspects of your life, lift self-esteem and feel more connected to yourself every day.
Not secure in your sex life? Don’t worry. These 8 practical tips will help you feel comfortable with yourself, your body, and sexual desire. And be able to talk about these without embarrassment.
Not secure in your sex life? 8 ways to build authentic sexual confidence
Watch your self-talk
Self and body confidence have a significant impact on sexual confidence and your ability to focus during sex.
Making small changes to the way you talk to yourself will change what you focus on and allow you to have greater appreciation for the sexual being you are.
Notice when your mind is jumping to negative self-talk, and gently move those thoughts away, paying attention instead to things you like about yourself.
How to be more sexually confident? Be aware of the content you’re consuming (on social media, for example) and recognise that culture creates unrealistic beauty standards.
Authentic self and sexual confidence is not about thinking that you’re perfect, it’s about loving and accepting yourself, flaws and all.
Do things that make your mind and body feel good
Make a habit of doing things that benefit your mental and physical health. They greatly impact your mood, sexual health, and happiness.
These can include walks, workouts, yoga, meditation, taking a bath, chatting with friends who energise you, writing in a journal, and giving yourself a manicure.
Doing some of these things on a regular basis effectively builds a positive self-image, helping you like the person you are, in and outside the bedroom.
Bring compassion to shame and embarrassment
Society can make us feel ashamed of our sexual desires, which can make people not secure in their sex life.
Are you emabarassed to say “Babe, I’m horny!” to your partner? Embarassed crave dominance as a woman or vulnerability as a man? Are you ashamed of masturbating? Of wanting kink or enjoying “vanilla sex”?
We are surrounded from a young age by messages about who should have sex and how.
A great first step towards confidence in the bedroom for men and women is to acknowledge the things that scare you in sex, where they come from, and make the choice not to let them control you.
Get to know your body with masturbation and touch
Dedicate time to touch all parts of your body in a focused, loving way, as well as masturbation. Touch everywhere, including but also beyond your genitals and erogenous zones.
Notice how you like to be touched. What strokes get you excited? What pace and pressure make you orgasm?
Do you like to be firmly held? Have your ear nibbled? Be passionately kissed? What interactions and scenarios are you fantasizing about?
Practice telling your partner what you want
When we’ve explored our body and know what we want, we can be more confident and assertive in asking for it.
It’s powerful, and very sexy, to know your desires as well as limits and what turns you off, and be able to communicate them in an honest and clear way.
If it feels scary or new, start by writing down your feelings to yourself, or share them with close friends.
And remember that telling your partner what you want doesn’t have to feel like an instruction manual. It can come in the form of guiding their hand in a certain direction or saying “A little softer” during intimacy.
It can be part of a relaxed conversation outside the bedroom where you exchange fantasies without judgment: “I’ve actually been fantasising about this lately… What do you think?”
And be curious about discovering what they like
What does your partner or lover like in bed? Asking your partner how they like to be touched (or connect) can feel like a scary question if you’ve never asked it before.
But if you have had a lover ask you this, you know how sexy it is when someone shows you they take your pleasure seriously.
How to be more sexually confident about pleasing your partner? It can be simple. Knowing what your new lover likes will take away much of the anxiety and make you more confident to make the first move.
And you’ll know what to focus on if there is something you want to improve or try (like prostate play or using a vibrator together).
Don’t forget that most people with vulvas struggle to orgasm during penetrative sex. Talking openly about what works and exploring different kinds of touch together, without anyone feeling like they’re getting something wrong, can take you far together.
Reframe rejection
If you initiate sex but your partner or love isn’t in the mood, do you immediately assume there’s something wrong with you?
People are often busy, tired, or just not in the mental space for sex. It’s common for partners to be in the mood at different times, which doesn’t reflect their feelings for each other.
People wanting or not wanting to have sex with you doesn’t need to affect your sexual confidence. Everyone gets rejected.
You can be James Bond and not be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s it!
Know that no one is perfect
Amazing sex has nothing to do with being perfect. And you don’t have to be. Your lover or partner wants to have sex with you, not a Barbie doll or Action man.
Giving pleasure to your partner isn’t a performance that’s being graded. It’s an act of desire, connection, and care.
Feeling relaxed in your unique body, comfortable in exploring your lover’s body and letting them see your sexuality without self-consciousness, is the key to sexual confidence and intense sexual encounters.
If you’re feeling not secure in your sex life, it means you’re only human. Sexual confidence has nothing to do with what people see outside - it exudes from the inside.
And amazing sex is about real, passionate connections between real people - lumps, bumps, stray hairs and all.
