Erotic Spanking 101: How to Give the Spanking of your Life

Jump to What is Erotic Spanking?Why is it so Popular?How to Prepare for an Erotic SpankingSpanking ToolsSpanking Sex PositionsHow to Spank SomeoneErotic Spanking Tips

What is it about spanking that gets us hot under the collar? It’s kinky, it’s psychologically thrilling, and it feels good. And it’s really, really naughty. But if you haven’t done it before, there are a few things to know about spanking sex before bending over and reaching for the flogger. This is a “how to spank” masterclass.

What is erotic spanking?

There’s a big difference between erotic and regular spanking. Spanking used to be a form of punishment with no sexual element whatsoever. It’s now a normal practice in the kink world. For people who enjoy a taste of BDSM, this kind of impact play is a common sexual fantasy as it's a way to experience increased sensation and add a thrilling psychological element to sex. Spanking is often a kinky “punishment” for someone who’s been “naughty”.

But that doesn’t mean it’s a modern phenomenon. Erotic spanking was a common theme in Victoria-era erotica, and there are depictions of it dating back to the 5th century BC.

Woman in erotic outfit holding paddle

Spanking sex: Why is it so popular?

It’s physically stimulating.

Hitting someone’s butt increases blood flow to their butt and genitals, which increases sexual arousal. The pain of a serious butt-slap can cause exquisite pain that can feel as good as a genital orgasm with a skilled enough spanker. Erotic spanking also releases endorphins that cause a natural high - like exercise!

It’s taboo.

The fact that spanking is taboo can be a turn on in itself. The knowledge that they’re doing something forbidden heightens arousal and sexual pleasure by making the whole experience more thrilling. Who doesn’t love being bad?

It lets you explore dominance, submission, and role-playing.

Power and role-playing are central to erotic spanking: One person gives up control and the other takes it. People who get turned on by letting someone else be in charge of their pleasure/pain or having control over someone else will enjoy this element. It’s an effective way of being more in the moment and many people enjoy the liberation of pretending to be someone else.

How to prepare for an erotic spanking session.

Introduce the topic to your partner.

As with any sexual practice that’s extreme or taboo, it’s important to tread carefully. People aren’t always into the same things or don’t fully understand something they’ve not tried before. Initiate a talk about fantasies or sex in general; tell them you watched an erotic film or read some erotica that had a spanking scene… have they ever tried it?

If you’re confident you and your partner are into the same kinds of stuff, you could go straight to the point. A simple “I’ve been bad and need punishing” would do the trick.

Woman in fetish gear holding flogger

Establish boundaries and safewords.

Before going into any new sexual activity that involves pain, you need to talk about desires and boundaries. One person might get turned on by inflicting pain while their partner is turned on by submission, but doesn’t want to end up with bruises.

You both need to figure out what you want and find a compromise that ensures your needs are met and no one’s boundaries are crossed. As always, the “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” principal is crucial.

Just talking about this before an erotic spanking session isn’t enough: it’s important to communicate throughout, especially because you can’t see each other’s faces when one of you is bent over. Agree on memorable safewords, like the traffic light system: Red means stop, Green means go, and yellow means “It’s intense - slow down but keep going”.

Spanking tools.

When it comes to how to spank, you have lots of options. Your hand is a good place to start. When you’re ready to move on to harder stuff you can explore further… just use your imagination.

For beginners.

  • Hands.
  • Paddles. These are easy to use and make flat contact with the skin. They deliver a sensation similar to a hand but slightly more intense. Non-flexible ones are less painful than flexible ones.
  • Rulers, belts, wooden spoons… Read our full list of DIY BDSM toys here.

When you’re ready to take it a step further.

  • Floggers. These have multiple, tail-like strands attached to a whip-like handle and deliver a more intense but still thud-like blow.
  • Slappers. Handles with 2 or more pieces of material that slap together.
  • Riding crops. These are a mix between a cane and a paddle with flexibility and length.
  • Canes. These have a modest rod-like shape but create the sharpest, stinging, and painful sensation. These and riding crops will quickly leave marks on the skin, so watch out. How to spank like a professional? Master the art of the cane.
Black flogger on red background

Spanking sex positions.

You can spanked and get spanked anywhere, anytime, and in any position. Here are spanking sex positions that allow for maximum pleasure and powerplay.

  • Bent over furniture. It’s easy! If you’re a beginner learning how to spank, start here. Whatever’s near to you, bend over it and get spanked from behind. You can also do this against a wall.
  • On all fours. This is a good position for beginners as the spankee has freedom to move their body and it hasn’t got such an extreme erotic humiliation aspect. Also, the spanker can easily touch their body all over...
  • Bent over a knee or lap. This position is great for those looking to enjoy the punishment, role-playing aspect of spanking.
  • The diaper position. Despite the name, this position is a saucy one. The spankee lies on their back with legs straight up in the air - their partner holds their legs and spanks away, with easy access to their erogenous zones and a kinky humiliation aspect.

How to spank: Pressure, pace, and what to do with your hands.


Don’t go straight into hard slapping (unless specifically asked to). Warm-up your partner’s butt and body with strokes, kisses, and massage. Stimulate their genitals while leading up to the spanking to really get them going.

Prepare their butt.

And by prepare, we mean stroke and rub, and focus on the area that’s going to get spanked. This builds excitement and increases sensation. Move on to gentle slaps before more intense hitting.

Boyfriend lovingly picks up girlfriend at home

What to do with your hand.

Separating your fingers might cause too much pain. It’s better to hit in a slightly upward motion as opposed to a stroke heading downwards. Also, bigger spanks will require you to bring your arm back further. Keeping your palm flatter will create more pain and a louder slapping sound.

You know you’re doing it right when it makes a ringing slapping sound as opposed to a muted thud. If you’re not a pro at erotic spanking yet, just practice! Find a pillow or something similar and practice the motion.

Slap the outer, lower part of the butt.

This is the fattiest part of the butt and the sweet spot. The lower central part of the butt heading down to the top of the thighs also feels particularly good when spanked. Where you hit is important when it comes to how to spank - you don’t want to hit the tailbone and cause un-pleasurable pain.

Vary your intensity and pace, and keep checking in.

Erotic spanking should start slow and build-up in intensity and speed - you might be doing a serious spank every few seconds. Stop to check whether they’re happy with what you’re doing or if they want to stop or change the pace or pressure.

Pause every now and then to stroke their butt, kiss them, and play with their genitals. This will remind them that you’re in control and have them on tenterhooks wondering when the next hit is coming.

Sexy young woman in lingerie

Introduce toys when you’re ready.

The process and techniques are similar when it comes to using toys. You’ll have to be more careful as toys generally cause more pain. They come in many forms and many textures - many of which are designed to increase sensation on the butt and let the spanker have more precision.

Erotic spanking: How to get the most out of your session.


With spanking comes role-playing as, even if you’re not in costume, you’re taking on a dominant/submissive role that is different from who you are in daily life. Adding outfits, characters, or storylines will make you both feel more liberated and excited.

Add dirty talk.

Dirty talk can be part of a role-playing scenario but it can also be a fun way to make a session more psychologically charged. A sub can beg a dom to spank them or tell them they will do anything to be good again…

Involve other sex toys.

Spanking sex doesn’t need to be just about the butt or just about pain. Drive your sub wild by not only stimulating their genitals with your hands but with a vibrator or other sex toy. Take the BDSM element up a level by restraining your sub using handcuffs or anything you have nearby.

Intimate couple smiling and embracing in bed

Don’t forget about aftercare.

As with any BDSM activity that involves physical pain and psychological intensity, you need to check in with each other afterwards. Care for each other physically and talk about what felt good and anything you were uncomfortable with. If you’ve got a bruised butt situation then ice, aloe vera, and arnica will help - and not sitting on hard surfaces.

So, are you ready for an erotic spanking?

Spanking sex is all the rage, and we certainly know why. Done anything bad recently? Send your lover a naughty message and get your butt ready. And if you want to learn more about the world of kinky sex, check out our Ultimate A to Z of Kinks and Fetishes and our BDSM and kink dictionary.