What Actually Makes ‘Bad Sex’?
We’ve all had it, but does anyone really know what makes ‘bad sex’ bad? Each person's definition of bad sex is unique to them. And it can happen for many reasons, some entirely out of our control, and others due to our partner’s actions or attitudes.
Sometimes when you leave a sexual encounter thinking That could have gone better… there is a clear reason, and, perhaps, a simple solution.
So, what is bad sex, what are its main causes, and what can we do about them?
11 causes of ‘bad sex’ and how to avoid them
1. Foregoing foreplay
Women and people with vulvas generally need considerable foreplay to reach full arousal and for any sexual activity, including penetrative sex, to feel pleasurable. And to reach orgasm!
Foreplay can mean oral sex or fingering but includes kissing, massage, and dirty talk. All these things help to get everyone in the mood, avoid painful sex, and take a sexual encounter to a new level.
2. Not feeling relaxed
Sex is incredibly vulnerable. It’s crucial to feel comfortable with the person, the situation, the setting, your body, and the fact you’re having sex in order to experience and enjoy it fully.
What is bad sex? Never push yourself or be persuaded into anything you don’t enthusiastically want to do. If you’re feeling uncomfortable or anxious about something in particular, stop and talk to your partner about it and see if you can work through your worries together. Never force it.
3. Poor hygiene
Hygiene is an underrated but important part of successful sex. Few things can ruin a sexy mood more than dirty sheets, grimy fingernails, an unwashed body, genital area, or sex toy.
Make an effort to be clean, for everyone involved.
4. You’re just not in the mood
Unfortunately, one partner commonly feels like they should have sex just to please their lover or partner. This can cause sex that feels fake, routine, or lacking spark and excitement.
It’s totally normal for libido to fluctuate and for a couple’s sexual desire to not quite match up. But if this reoccurs, think about what’s making you less excited.
What is bad sex? Are you feeling stressed out or low confidence? Less attracted to your partner? Less excited by the act of sex in general?
Talk it through in a way that won’t hurt your partner's feelings, and remember there are lots of surprisingly simple ways to increase your libido, like watching porn together, or discovering a new toy.
5. Sex ends when he finishes
In hetero relationships and sexual encounters, it’s common, sadly, for sex to end when the man orgasms. Why? Because of unhelpful yet pervading traditional views on sex being about male pleasure.
This often leaves vulva owners unsatisfied but scared to speak up, or not aware that their pleasure even matters.
Sex doesn’t and shouldn’t have to end when he ejaculates. There are so many other things to do, like oral sex, fingering, and using sex toys.
Don’t forget that satisfying sex isn’t about reaching orgasm, anyway. It’s about fun, experimentation, and connection. So if no one climaxes, but you’ve spent hours exploring the different sensations of your bodies? Great!
6. There’s no communication
All of our bodies, desires, and preferences are unique to us. This makes first-time sex especially challenging, because specific touches, positions, words, and dynamics work on some people and not others.
What is bad sex? Great sex is about asking for what you want and what your partner wants, and reading their nonverbal cues while it's happening.
7. You don’t know what you like
If the idea of directing your partner during sex seems confusing to you, it might be because you don’t know what you want.
Masturbation, reading or listening to erotic stories or watching erotic videos, as well as experimentation with partners, is an effective way to discover where you like to be touched and how you like to be made to feel during sex.
Do you want slow, romantic, tantalising oral sex? To be bent over the bed and spanked? Anal play? To have your neck and breasts touched, or your hair pulled?
8. Boundaries are overstepped
Having your boundaries overstepped will definitely cause bad sex, as this can make you feel not only uncomfortable, but unsafe.
It's essential to talk about boundaries before sex, especially if you're doing something adventurous or that could be painful, such as any BDSM play.
If you're unhappy with anything happening, remember that you can and should stop the action immediately and your partner must respect that - if they don’t, say goodbye!
9. You’re stuck in a rut/
It’s not unusual for that hot sexy spark to fade when you've been with one partner for a while. The sense of novelty has waned, you don't feel so sexy in yourself, your partner’s body has become ordinary… and this can make sex feel formulaic instead of coming from that feeling of wanting to ravish your partner.
See our article on how to rekindle desire in long-term relationships, and don’t forget to think outside the box.
10. Alcohol
We all know alcohol can be a great barrier lifter and aphrodisiac. Unfortunately, it doesn't make for very successful sex.<
Alcohol actually numbs sensation, can delay orgasm, prevent erections and natural lubrication, and can, of course, make you forget all about your good technique.
It also affects our ability to make decisions we will be pleased with after, so don't pair sex with too much alcohol, especially with a stranger.
11. It’s one-sided
It's not unusual for one person to take a more dominant role during sex and the other submissive.
What is bad sex? If this leads to one person doing all the giving and the other all the receiving, it can leave one partner unsatisfied (and exhausted), and the dynamic lacking the necessary equal spark.
The best sex is about being in the moment, letting down boundaries and insecurities, being equally passionate and enthusiastic and communicating before, during, and after.
Sex is never going to be perfect every time. It’s inherently messy, awkward, and even funny, but there are many exciting and surprising ways to help you have the most pleasure possible.
