How to introduce BDSM into your sex life: BDSM for beginners.

You have a satisfying, if slightly vanilla, sex life. You’re curious about BDSM (who isn’t?) and you’re wondering how to introduce BDSM into your sex life. We don’t blame you - who doesn’t want more fulfilling, more exciting and more pleasurable sex?

Fortunately, you’ve found yourself in the perfect place. This is an all-encompassing guide to BDSM for beginners. Be prepared to become an expert on kinky conversation and take that first step on your BDSM journey. There’ll be no turning back.

BDSM for beginners doesn’t have to be complicated. For extra information on what BDSM is, read our intro to BDSM before moving onto this guide.

BDSM for Beginners: What's the First Step?

Once BDSM has popped into your head it’s hard to stop those filthy fantasies from happening again - we know. You’re probably wondering desperately how to introduce BDSM into your sex life. The first step towards making this a reality is to start a discussion with your partner.


Couple in a hot moment

If you’re shy, or you’ve never talked about your kinky sex fantasies before, now’s the time to start. Make sure you’re comfortable. And if you feel awkward, remember that your partner probably has fantasies too! These kinds of discussions rarely end in anything other than closeness and better sex.

Timing is crucial. You might be watching a movie with a kinky sex scene, you might read something, or talk to a friend about their amateur BDSM experience. This could be a good gate-way to asking your partner “What do you think about BDSM?” or “Do you have any fantasies?”.

Watch their response.

If they seem awkward you could offer your own amateur BDSM fantasy first. And trust us, just hearing your fantasy and desire for them is sure to get them going - your excitement and curiosity will be contagious. How to introduce BDSM into your sex life doesn’t have to be daunting. Your partner wants you to be satisfied!

There’s no need to dive straight into the hardcore stuff. It’s normal to start with amateur BDSM - you don’t want to pressure your partner into anything they aren’t comfortable with. After you’ve broached the topic of BDSM, suggest asking “Do you want to try this new thing?”, or “Wouldn’t it be fun if we gave this a try?”.

It’s very important to establish trust with BDSM for beginners because even amateur BDSM play can involve both physical and mental pain. And that’s why it’s important to be totally honest about what you want.

If you like the idea of extreme BDSM play (think: cages, leather, paddles) then tell your partner that. If you just want to be choked a little, tell them that. A surefire way to ruin the mood is to rush and go beyond each other’s boundaries. Start where you’re both happy, and only go further when you both communicate that you are happy to do so.

Dom, Sub, Switch.

If you and your partner have been together for some time now, it’s safe to say you know each other well. You have an idea about turn-ons and offs, but what about deeper, darker fantasies? Does your partner know you would like to tie them up?

BDSM is all about power.


Two women doing a BDSM session

And in each encounter, there is a dominant and a submissive. It would be useful to talk about which one you would prefer to be. Do you fantasize about being restrained, controlled, or even hit? Or do you dream of getting on top of your partner and having them at your mercy?

If you’re wondering how to introduce BDSM into your sex life, discuss these things with your partner. Your fantasies might correspond to each other. If they do, great! If they don’t, fear not. It’s very common for people to switch, and also for people to be surprised at what they like when they’re in the moment.

And remember: don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed about your fantasies, however weird they are! Someone somewhere is sure to have the same fantasy. Your partner will just be excited to hear and try out your fantasies, and sexual fantasies are just that: fantasies!

Wanting to spank your partner in the bedroom does not mean you are a violent maniac. It just makes you a kinkster! And it’s actually one of the most mainstream fetishes out there.

BDSM for beginners: step one.

Now that you’ve properly discussed boundaries and the roles you would like to try, it’s time to get to it. But BDSM for beginners can be daunting. So let’s go over how you can get the most out of your first time.

LET IT GO.

If you’re shy, your ego might stop you from throwing yourself into your first amateur BDSM session. You might feel awkward and like you’re doing something wrong - or you might get a bad case of the giggles. Before starting your amateur BDSM session, give each other a few minutes to gather your composure.


men and woman together in bed

Put yourself in a relaxed mindset. Maybe even watch an erotic or kinky video together. If you’re really turned on, you’ll be less self-aware and more in the moment.

You don’t need to plan an amateur BDSM session. There’s no pressure to go BDSM crazy the first time you have sex after the conversation. Let sex happen as it normally would. Because you’ve shared your interest in amateur BDSM, it will be on both of your brains.

Follow your Instincts.

You’ll probably find there’s a trigger that gets things going. One of you might be on top and lightly choke the other one. Let it develop. Grab your partner’s wrists and hold them together behind their back. Got an underwear drawer close by? Grab a pair of tights and (gently) tie your partner’s hands together - make sure their reaction is a pleasurable one.

Don’t make sex unnecessarily complicated because you want to try something new. You are a beginner to BDSM, and you are adding it to the bedroom as another level to your sex life -not making it your entire sex life. BDSM for beginners can be uncomfortable, and that’s okay, but the best option is to try to avoid it. This is how to introduce BDSM into your sex life, not BDSM for experts!

As with all things in life, practice makes perfect.

Sexy talk.

Amateur BDSM isn’t all inflicting pain. If you’re the dom and you’re unsure about hitting or spanking your partner, start with some verbal commands. Tell your sub what you want them to do.

This can be as simple as “Take off your clothes”, “Lie down”, “Close your eyes”, or “Don’t move”, while you do things to their body. If they enjoy this, go further by introducing punishments. This can be light spanking with your hand on their butt or another fleshy (and sexy) part of their body.

Another good intro to BDSM for beginners is name-calling. If you’re the dom, get your sub to call you “Master”, or even “Dominatrix”, and call them your “Slave”. This level of role-playing will help you both get into character and shed any last feelings of awkwardness.

And if your sub forgets to refer to you as Master? You know what to do...

Sensory deprivation.

The iconic blindfold is perfect for sensory deprivation. When you restrict one sense, others heighten. And blindfolding your partner is a perfect way to assert power and make them feel totally at your mercy. By blindfolding your partner you increase anticipation and tension. They won’t know your next move and you can keep them on the edge for as long as you want.


BDSM blind eyes

At this moment, use a light touch to caress their body all over. It will help them relax if they begin to feel uncomfortable - which could happen since the feeling of helplessness might be brand new to them.

Bondage.

You’re dominating your partner and, boy, it’s going really well. A great way to increase your power is through bondage. Whip out those furry handcuffs you have been wanting to use - but be sure to keep the key within reach.

Ideally, the sub will be unable to escape their restraints easily. That would defeat the purpose. If you don’t have handcuffs then get creative. Tights, belts, scarves… the list of props for BDSM for beginners is endless.

This is also a good place to practice orgasm control. Having control over another’s orgasm is a total assertion of dominance. If you’re on top, vary your pace and slow down or stop suddenly as they get close to climax - they’ll be begging for more.

Try adding a vibrator or other kind of sex toy for extra sensation. You can decide when they get to cum. And remember, the reward for prolonged restriction is that much more gratifying when it’s given. When your partner finally orgasms, it will be more than worth the wait.


Woman telling naughty secrets to a man

Aftercare.

What you do during sex can affect your relationship outside of it. Name-calling, physical pain, and humiliation can take its toll if it is not apparent that it was only for role-playing. That’s why it’s important throughout an amateur BDSM session to read your partner’s signals and check infrequently.

If you’re the sub, saying something like “Slower”, “Softer”, or “Wait” won’t ruin the moment - it just means you need a change of pace. And if you’re the dom, ask “Is the pressure okay?”, “How does that feel?”, or “Is that too hard?” and adjust your actions from there.

Consider establishing a safe word beforehand for when things get too much and you want to stop. Agree on this and make sure it’s something recognizable.

You never want your partner to feel used and abused. After sex, cuddle and talk about what you did or didn’t enjoy. Intimacy at this moment is crucial to each other’s well-being and your relationship.

One of the weirdest things about BDSM for beginners is coming to terms with being abusive to your partner or abused by your partner - even when it’s in a sexual and consensual way. Avoid making the amateur BDSM mistake of forgetting to care for your partner after your session.

Don't make it complicated, even if you are an amateur BDSM practitioner.

BDSM for beginners appears to be more complicated than it has to be. Relax. Let go and enjoy the moment together.

Don’t rush.

You’re here to have fun and explore each other’s fantasies. Take care of one another afterward and more sessions are bound to happen. Because, as we said, once you go BDSM, it’s very hard to go back.