Female Virginity: 9 Myths We Should Leave in The Past

Few sexual concepts are more misunderstood and mythologized than female virginity. Why is culture so obsessed with it? And why, despite sex-positive movements, does the hymen myth and its damaging legacy still influence women today?

The patriarchy constructed many myths about female virginity (or first-time sex for anyone with a vulva), fabricating anatomical facts and ideas of what is right and wrong.

Dispelling those myths takes us a step closer to independence and pleasure, and away from shame, fear, and misunderstanding. Here are 9 common female virginity myths and the facts that set the record straight.

Female Virginity Myths: Let’s Set the Record Straight

“You bleed when you lose your virginity”

If you have a vagina, there’s a chance penetration could tear your hymen, resulting in blood than can last for a few days or be just a few drops - if it lasts longer than this or you are worried about the amount, see a doctor.

It’s common to bleed the first time you have penetrative sex, but it’s also common not to. Bleeding only happens in around 43% of cases. Not bleeding is not a sign someone is not a virgin.

Blood can also result from first-time sex for reasons unrelated to the hymen, like sex being too rough or not lubricated enough.

“You lose your virginity when your hymen pops”

The hymen myth is one of the most common myths about female virginity. Just as not everyone bleeds during penetrative sex, not everyone’s hymen tears or breaks.

The hymen is a thin membrane that sits around 1 - 2 centimeters within and covers the vaginal opening. Not everyone has a hymen, and everyone’s hymen is different. Some are more elastic and stretchy, others thicker, and some with more or fewer nerve endings.

Despite popular belief, your hymen isn’t “popped” or broken open during your first time having penetrative sex. Firstly, it already has holes, which is how menstrual blood passes through.

Hymens thin over time and can be worn down or torn by all kinds of activities, like exercise or a vaginal examination, before sexual activity. So in many cases, by the time someone becomes sexually active, their hymen (if they have one) has already faded or been torn, perhaps producing blood, perhaps not.

“You can break your hymen with a tampon”

Again, in most cases, the hymen doesn’t just suddenly “break”.

Can you lose your virginity by using a tampon? It is true that activities like cycling, horseriding, climbing, dancing, inserting a tampon or a finger, or getting a pap smear, can tear or wear down the hymen way before any sexual activity takes place.

Whether you define any of these as “virginity loss” is up to you.

“Losing your virginity hurts”

Having penetrative sex for the first time can hurt if you have a hymen and it does get stretched or torn. However, this doesn’t happen in many cases.

There are a variety of other reasons why sex can be painful, including physical or mental tension, inexperience, a lack of lubrication, the vaginal opening being stretched, or if something particularly large is used for penetration.

“You can tell if someone is a virgin or not by looking at their hymen”

Back to the hymen myth: it’s near impossible to see or feel someone’s hymen. It’s the same color as the inside of the vagina, and is very thin, so almost impossible to feel.

On top of this, the presence or lack thereof of a hymen is no indicator of virginity because, as we noted, some people aren’t born with one, are born with a very thin one, or were born with one that faded over time due to factors unrelated to sexual activity.

“There’s a ‘right time’ to lose your virginity”

Women are constantly told they wait to have sex until they are older, when it is “special” when they are in love or married.

However, when and how you have your first sexual experience is your decision alone. The only “right time” is when you feel you want to do it for yourself, not because you are bowing to social or personal pressures.

If you don’t want it to be a big deal, it doesn’t have to be. If you want it to feel “special”, it can be. The time and place you lose your virginity doesn’t define your character and isn’t something anyone should be judged by.

“If you don’t have sex for a long time, you can become ‘revirginized’”

If we are measuring female virginity by the hymen (which we shouldn't, but unfortunately, people still do), then it’s important to say that your hymen cannot grow back once it has been stretched or torn open. So, in this sense, you cannot become revirginized.

However, losing your virginity can mean whatever you want it to mean - your first time having penetrative sex, oral sex, masturbation, orgasm… so if you choose to do your first time all over again? Up to you!

“Virginity is something you ‘lose’”

Why do we say virginity is something we “lose”? Because female virginity is a historical construct based on the belief that a woman becomes impure when she has sex, she loses innocence and this “precious gift” that can only be “given” once.

While we have mostly moved on from this misguided notion, the language still remains. Instead of thinking of what is lost (nothing!), we should focus on what is gained, like experience, pleasure, knowledge, independence…

“Virginity exists”

We spend all this time focussing on virginity, but does it even exist? No!

Sure, it’s normal to remember and mark the first time you do something. But, the obsession with the idea of virginity is a heteronormative and narrow-minded construct that controls women and encourages sexual shame.

Virginity is not a medical or biological concept. There is no medically acknowledged way to test virginity. And just as there is no one definition of sex, there is no one definition of virginity.

Your first time can be whatever you want it to be. As long as you do it for your own reasons, know what you’re doing, and do it with someone who respects you and shares your feelings, you can do whatever you want, despite what tradition and the hymen myth tries to make us believe.

As with any sex you choose to have, whether it happens with someone you love or someone you’ll never see again, it’s no one’s business or choice but yours.