How to Have Lesbian Sex? Throw the Rulebook Out the Window

Whatever your sex, gender, or orientation, first-time sex can be nerve-wracking. But it can be more nerve-wracking if it's your first time with a lesbian, or first-time with someone who identifies as a woman or whose genitals match your own.

How to have “lesbian sex”? Will the things you do to your own vulva feel good for someone else? What toys can I use? And is scissoring a real thing?

What is “lesbian sex”?

When people use the term ‘lesbian sex,’ they often mean sex between two women or two people with vulvas.

But people having “lesbian sex” don’t have to identify as lesbians - they may be bi, pan, queer, fluid, gynosexual, or another orientation that suits them. They may not identify as women or be cisgender.

Queer couple intimate in bed

So while the term “lesbian sex” is widely used, it’s not necessarily correct. Your sexuality is your own and shouldn't be restricted by labels.

Whatever counts as “lesbian sex” is up to the people doing it. Ask five different women and you’ll get five different answers about what queer girl sex means to them - tribbing, fingering, hours of oral sex or playing with toys together, and a whole lot more.

And while “lesbian sex” may look different from stereotypical hetero sex, the idea of mutual pleasure, stimulation, and connection are the same.

There are lots of myths about and depictions of “lesbian sex,” especially in pornography, but these are rarely made by or for lesbians.

Whether it’s your first time with a lesbian or you want to brush up on your NSFW skills, you’ve come to the right place.

How to have first-time “lesbian sex”? Here are 7 tips to help satisfy your woman (and yourself), whatever your sex, gender, age, race, or kind of sex you’re into.

Sexual selfcare young woman in bed

7 “Lesbian Sex” Tips Every Beginner Should Know

1. Forget what you’ve seen in porn

Sex is not about performing for a male camera, racing to orgasm, and making a ton of noise.

There is no one way to do it. Great lesbian sex is about tuning into each other's minds, bodies, and needs.

If the idea of scissoring is hot (which is a real thing, just not in the way porn makes out), then tell your lover you’d like to try it and explore the intensity of grinding each other’s vulvas and finding your groove.

If you want to start with mutual masturbation or running a vibrator over each other’s bodies, do that. Forget preconceptions and expectations.

2. Remember that lesbian bodies come in all kinds of ways

Your lover's body, anatomy, and gender identity may be different from yours or from other lovers.

Before getting down to it, ask them how they like to be touched and if there's something you can do to affirm their gender identity or make them feel comfortable in the bedroom.

Top view woman holding breasts up in bra

3. Take your time

How to have truly great “lesbian sex”? Turn on her body and her mind.

Good sex is not about finding the perfect position, making someone squirt, or trying expensive toys.

It’s an all-encompassing experience that’s as much about setting the mood and building tension as it is about touching her in the right place.

Don't, excuse the pun, jump straight in. Pay attention to her whole body. Kiss her mouth and neck, lick, blow, and caress her inner thighs and breasts.

Slowly make your way down there with a trace of your tongue until she’s begging you for more.

4. Feel free to use every tool at your disposal

In other words, play, and don't limit yourself.

Communication is crucial to great sex. So it’s always best to ask what kinds of touches and sensations she likes, what toys she uses, and what positions turn her on.

Some people want one finger inserted as slowly as possible, others an entire fist.

While your tongue is a valuable tongue, it’s not the only one. Use your whole mouth when going down on her to kiss, blow, and gently suck, as well as fingers, vibrators, dildos, and more.

Medium shot woman posing with vibrators

5. If you can, stimulate her in two (or more) places at once

Insert your fingers or a toy of her choosing into her while stimulating her clit with your tongue.

Everybody is different, but for most vulva owners, the clit is the pleasure center, so be sure to find and give it attention, but remember how ultra-sensitive it is.

And if you have your fingers inside her, curl your fingers into a hook shape and do a come hither motion with firm, consistent strokes to stimulate her G spot.

6. Look after your toys

If you decide to use a toy, like a vibrator, a strap, or a dildo, on each other as if it were an extension of your hands, clean them after every use and use condoms because STIs (and other unwanted bacteria) can spread through sex toys.

Treat your toys with love. And get dildos for different partners. They’ll thank you.

7. Cut your nails

If you’re a nail fashion queen, it is possible to have first-time lesbian sex with long nails if you use the soft front of your fingers for stimulation very carefully.

But if you can, cut them short. This way you can avoid pain and scratches you don’t want. It’s also more hygienic.

Couple sharing tender laughing moment in bed

How to have “lesbian sex”? There’s no right or wrong way.

The ultimate “lesbian sex” tip? Tune into your lover’s mind and body, don’t be afraid to play, to get things wrong, ask, laugh, and take your sweet time.

It’s not a race to orgasm. In fact, no one even needs to orgasm for your first time with a lesbian to be amazing. But if she says don’t stop, don’t stop.