BDSM Limits: Soft, Hard, & Everything In Between

BDSM limits aren’t discussed enough outside fetish communities, but any sexy, kinky, or intimate play session shouldn’t function without them.

Kinky sex is about exploring fantasy and sensation with total safety. Fundamental principles like consent, communication, and mutual respect ensure pleasurable, safe, and fulfilling sexual interactions.

Learning your hard and soft limits in BDSM and how to communicate them gives you power over your pleasure and the skills to set healthy boundaries in all areas of your life.

So, what exactly are hard and soft BDSM limits? Why are they important? And how can you share your limits and respect the limits of others? Let’s dive into the world of BDSM limits, sex, and safety.

What are BDSM limits?

Simply put, a BDSM limit is something you don’t want to do or have done to you during a BDSM scene, play session, or sexual encounter.

You might have a boundary because the act (or dynamic, sensation, word, position) triggers a negative psychological response, it makes you uncomfortable, or because you just don’t like it.

Maybe you don’t enjoy the sensation of being choked, you dislike having visible marks or bruises on your body, or experience distress at a certain kind of dirty talk or name-calling (like servant or little girl).

Why are limits important?

Setting boundaries is crucial in any relationship–sexual, romantic, familial, platonic.

Because kink and BDSM are inherently boundary-pushing and include activities that can cause harm, agreeing on clear BDSM limits is the only way to have a healthy kinky relationship or scene.

Limits show respect and enable honest communication. They ensure that everyone feels safe entering a scene knowing that boundaries won’t be crossed, and no one feels pressured or leaves a scene with marks they don’t want, or feel like they did anything they didn’t want to do.

In BDSM, everyone–subs, doms, switches–should have limits. It’s also valuable to establish limits before sexual encounters that aren’t explicitly kinky, to discuss things you don’t want (eg. anal play, sex without a condom), and activities you don’t want now but could discuss in the future (eg. adding another person to partnered sex), as well as things you like.

What are hard limits in BDSM?

Hard limits in BDSM are activities that are an absolute no-go. They are acts or situations that are entirely off-limits—you do not want to do them or have them done to you under any circumstances.

A hard limit might be something that triggers bad memories, physical distress, panic attacks, or be something you strongly dislike. Whatever the reason for a hard limit, it must be respected.

Examples of BDSM hard limits might be things considered ‘extreme’ or unsafe, like scat play, wax, breath play, suspension, face slapping, water sports, being pinned down, branding, penetration without a condom, or going from the anus to other areas without cleaning.

Hard limits are anything that you don’t want to do, including activities considered ‘soft,’ like tickling or hair-pulling.

What are soft limits in BDSM?

A soft limit is an activity you don’t want to try right now but are curious about and might consider in the future after time, familiarity, and experience or when conditions are met.

Soft limits in BDSM should never be crossed without clear prior discussion and agreement, and if you choose to try a soft limit activity, your partner should know to take it slow and be hyper-aware of safewords and signals should you want to stop.

Like with hard limits, soft limits are entirely your choice and must be respected. Soft limits in BDSM can be anything from being blindfolded, tickling, ice play, age play, being watched, and facials to being flogged, whipped, or caned or having photography or video content taken of you by the other person.

Consent must be checked frequently and can be revoked at any time. If you consent to a soft limit activity, such as wearing nipple clamps, you can decide after one minute that it’s not for you and end it there, discuss how you feel and reestablish it as a hard limit, or decide you want to pursue it in another way.

Requirement limits

Requirement limits are a less common form of BDSM safety, but still valuable to learn.

Also called must-limits, a requirement limit is something that you must do or receive to participate in a scene. For you, a requirement limit might be that you will only enter a BDSM scene if you receive lots of aftercare afterward.

Communicating limits - safewords and signals

Before discussing or sending your list of BDSM limits to a new person, take time to reflect.

How do you like to be touched? How do you like to feel during a scene or play session? What acts, dynamics, or positions make you nervous, uncomfortable, or afraid? Do words or sensations trigger you? Do you have a physical difficulty or disability that makes activities painful or impossible?

Once you have soft and hard BDSM limits, it’s helpful to have a written list that can be shared with others. Before entering any play scene, confirm each other’s limits and agree on safewords and non-verbal signals to use when anyone feels uncomfortable or if a limit is neared or breached.

If you have a BDSM contract with your dom or sub, your hard and soft limits should be on it.

You can revoke it anytime, even if you’ve consented to an act. Consent is an ongoing form of communication and must be checked frequently during a scene to ensure everyone is enthusiastically happy.

If someone doesn’t respect your limits, ignores a safeword, or pretends not to see a signal, get out of there. This kind of behavior goes against BDSM principles, can be hugely harmful, and is likely a sign that worse is to come.

BDSM limits are the foundation of safe and satisfying sex.

Boundaries are a part of life. In BDSM, they’re more than important–they are essential to any scene and must be communicated before play starts.

Learning what you want and don’t want, how to communicate that, and respond if someone doesn’t respect you is an invaluable life skill and a way to make sex more intimate, passionate, and satisfying.

Clear boundaries let you throw yourself into a kinky scene and enjoy it to the maximum and without apprehension. What are kinks and limits? A match made in heaven.